Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
