The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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