I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
