sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
