Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
