i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
