im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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