I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
