Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
