He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
