Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
