He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
