Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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