i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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