If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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