My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
