I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
