So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Randomize
