i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
