this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
