You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
