I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
