I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
