Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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