i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
how does that bad decision feel?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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