dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
