dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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