Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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