does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
