You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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