I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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