I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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