I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
