I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
