the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
