nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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