I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
