I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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