sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
