Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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