You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
