I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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