Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
