Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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