does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Two words: blizzard sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
