do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
