He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
