I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
