We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
