I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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