I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
